Gratitude

Life is all about gratitude. As I get older, I see this more and more.  Here's to my efforts not to be a Debbie Downer.

Last week I had a conversation with one of our clients.  Although he is a very nice person, these are always trying conversations because he focuses on the negative. He's hated his job for 10 years now because he was passed over for a promotion.  He walks in, doesn't talk to anyone, closes his door, and stays there for 7.5 hours, 5 days a week.  Every time we talk I try to offer positive solutions like to sit down with the guy who was promoted over him and have a frank conversation about burying the hatchet or to get a new job, he shrugs them off because he is 2 years (!!) away from the golden retirement with 50% of his salary for the rest of his life. But then I dig deeper, and in reality, he insists that he can't retire in 2 years because no one would ever hire him.  So back to our conversation last week. We were discussing changes to the State's medical insurance benefits plan.  Premiums are going up, less options are covered, and those with "risk factors" like diabetes or smokers must sign a pledge to improve their health.  I mentioned to look on the bright side, at least he has affordable health insurance provided by his employer. Lots of small business owners I know would kill for these plans! He said "well, I always look at the glass as half full so I thought about that" but then launched into another diatribe of how they were going to be the BMI police.

This really got me thinking. He honestly believes that he is an optimist??! Am I deluded into thinking I have a good attitude about life when I dont? One of my biggest pet peeves is when I see negative, whining Facebook status updates. Do people read my status updates and roll their eyes?

I drive Nate crazy because I fully admit that I am a worst case scenario type of person.  But I argue- I'm a lawyer! I'm paid to anticipate the million dollar adverse verdict or the loophole in the law. If I don't, I have failed.  If I litigate with a sunny disposition, I'll be taken to the cleaners by these sneaky opponents. Obviously this jaded thinking spills over into my personal life. Especially with our infertility struggle. I would imagine these horrible possibilities. I felt that all of my "what ifs" came true for the first year and a half of the experience, why wouldn't they continue? What if we tried IVF 3 times and it didnt work? Could I mentally handle this failure? What if we tried to adopt and we had to wait 3 years? What if we were selected then the birth mom changed her mind? What if we did adopt a child and he or she grew up with horrible behavioral problems like the cases we see splashed all over the news? Knowing the what-ifs prepare you for disaster I argue!!

So as I sit here today, I could think of how scared I am that I'm going to have 2 pound babies in the NICU for 90 days, that I'm going to be on hospital bed rest at 20 weeks, that the first 6 months are going to be absolute hell with no sleep, that my body will never recover, that I will never be able to go on vacations again to Europe or the Caribbean, etc... You see how these things play in your head like an Ipod on repeat and destroy your spirit. 

But when I focus on the positive, my world is much brighter. I experienced a miracle and have 3 babies growing inside me. I have a wonderful husband, great family, great friends, a job, the financial resources to get to this point and so many more things. Even when I was in the trenches, these things were true. Being thankful for what you have literally makes your outlook brighter.

I have challenged myself to stop being such a worst case scenario person and know the world will look much sunnier from now on.