Don't Put Baby in the Corner!

To my husband's chagrin, I have quoted "Dirty Dancing."  However, I think this is a good theme for the past two years of my life. I do NOT like being put in a corner with the chance of failure. It is literally the hardest thing for me to deal with.

My idol is control. I like to pretend that I am in control of my life.  I can make or break my own destiny.  You would have thought I would have learned how untrue this is during law school payment systems class (completely confusing and totally inapplicable to 99% of us), the bar exam, or essentially handling a multimillion dollar entertainment case in the Southern District of New York as a super baby lawyer. It took infertility to teach me the biggest lesson.

The most frustrating thing is that you can try everything available in current technology and not guarantee a pregnancy. The most advanced technology currently is something called CGH where they can verify that an egg is chromosomally normal. Even with these perfect eggs and a perfect uterus, success rates are reportedly 75%.  This decision is in God's hands, not ours. Most of us are used to doing A and B and getting C. As hard as I tried, I could not make this happen. It forced me to look very closely at myself and be real about my idols.

I know some of you may be aware of Tim Keller from Redeemer Pres in NYC. He has some of the best sermons on our idols. Beyond being in control, I have others, but it is the most flagrant.  He tells us idols can be discerned with 4 questions:
1) What occupies our solitude, i.e. what do we daydream about?
2) Where do we spend our money?
3) When you pray for something and don't get it, what do you turn to?
4) What causes you to absolute lose it with uncontrollable emotions of anger, hatred, or fear?

Idols are empty. My need for control over when I would get pregnant destroyed me. Once I realized this, I felt so free.

I'm not saying I have this down. As soon as I got pregnant, I wanted control over how long I'd be pregnant (triplets are always very early), my pregnancy symptoms (oh the nausea), and so many other things. It's a daily struggle and I hope I have not been through the past 2 years for nothing. We trusted in the Lord and he answered us with an amazing plan.

I listen to this song all the time. Psalm 40 is a great one for suffering. If you are delivered or are still in the pit of despair, it is comforting.