A Confession

I broke a desk 2 days ago. I hit it so hard with my fists that it broke. True, it is a plywood cheapo desk from Essex.  But I freaking broke it!

I'll back up... 

The kids have been sick and sleeping badly for about 3 weeks now.  I don't know if it is allergies or colds.  Three days in a row last week, Natalie cried from 6:00 pm to 7:15 p.m. Crying it out works, but you have to re-set them when there is illness or travel. Because she was sick, we would go in and hold her. After the sickness was gone, the smart little thing demanded we gave her the same privileges. She was screaming bloody murder the entire time. I went outside, stuck headphones in, and did whatever I could to drown the sound out. Nate let me run errands some nights.  We had to stick it out because she won't learn otherwise.   Townes feels like crap and has been extra grumpy. He's been pouring mucous.  He's started this "planking" thing where he arches his back and you cannot set him down, lay him down, or put him in his car seat. Finally, Caroline has been very sick (as always) and has a front bottom tooth just cutting in.

I additionally have been putting so much pressure on myself to get the kids onto finger foods and sippy cups. People make innocent comments, but it feels like they are insinuating my kids are so far behind because they still use bottles. Lunch time is a complete mess as there are 3 kids with differing sin eating. Natalie will inhale anything I put in front of her. Caroline will stuff 4 bites in her mouth then choke and throw up almost every meal. (Have I mentioned my aversion to vomit before??) Natalie will then play in it and smear food in her hair. Townes will eat something one day then refuse it the next. He has somewhat mastered the sippy cup but only on HIS terms. If you force it, he will throw it on the ground.  Meanwhile I am starving and then have to clean everything up afterwards.

So let's just say I have had absolutely enough of babies crying and stress. On Monday, Nate came home and was changing Natalie when Caroline fell and started crying for the billionth time that day. He asked me again if I would pick her up and I completely wigged out and hit the table like 5 times and yelled as loud as possibly could that I couldn't take it anymore. It's honestly embarrassing because I don't lose my temper easily and it's ugly.  He looked at me completely speechless as I struggled with the gates to get out of the room. I'm honestly surprised I didn't break those. I cried for 30 minutes, went to Baskin Robbins, had some PB and Chocolate ice cream, and went to Books a Million and read "Star" magazine (which was terrible!! The bad plastic surgery issue). What a basket case.

It's amazing how anger can grow and grow within you. If you don't let it out, it festers.  I'd say I had some serious pent up anger. Crying babies are literally like the sound of nails on a chalk board for me. It has been challenging too as someone who is not used to noisy environments.  It has to be the lack of an escape route that gets me so much. I have to deal with the noise. And sometimes it is 3 at once. There are also other issues right now that have added tons of stress to the household.

Tuesday was better. I went to pick up the kids baptism certificates (finally) and the church secretary told me that she prays for me all the time. I though that was really sweet of her. I got a pedicure and some time to relax.  Today was pretty rough but I tried to remind myself to stay calm. After some Advil and long naps, Townes and Caroline fared a bit better.

I'm slowly climbing back up out of this dark spot. I really do remember how lucky I am to have these babies. So healthy and thriving. I glanced at one of my favorite blogs the other day and read the blogger's history. You can take a look.

Then this is my history:

IVF# 1: (5/10)
1 follicle, canceled

IVF# 2: (7/10)
2 follicles, 3 eggs, 3 babies with zero issues and an incredible pregnancy

And that's it.