What I Don't Have to Do Now

Ok so this winter weather is getting to me.  And maybe the fact that my life is the ultimate Groundhog Day. I haven't been in the best of moods. Even with the kids in daycare 2 days a week, I feel so suffocated. This is not solvable by MORE days or with people watching them. This can only be solved in my head. As the queen of control, I cannot control this. I cannot change the fact that I have triplets when I want to run over to Publix for something. Or go for a walk in the park.

I talked to a dear friend the other day about fear and loss of control. She is having a somewhat similar issue and was seeking advice. I'll be brutally honest. When I saw that first ultrasound, I thought "My life is over." No more of anything of my past life. I achieved the goal. I won the infertility lottery but then googled triplets and was told my kids will probably be born around 32 weeks and will have cerebral palsy or some other issue related to prematurity. Then images would come up of women's stomachs post triplet pregnancy. Nate was ecstatic and jumping for joy. However, I froze in horrific fear like when I saw follicle ultrasounds during doctor visits and there were maybe 2 black circles total. (There were supposed to be at least 15 there).  Then I suffered from weeks of guilt and thoughts of why didn't we freeze one embryo??!  How could I put these 3 babies through a high risk pregnancy from my stupid judgment?  (Because I wasn't supposed to get pregnant, period).We now know that my pregnancy was more than perfect. I worried so much in the early days, only to be rewarded with ideal ultrasounds every visit and a labor that came conveniently on the way to the hospital. No strict bedrest. Not even a scare.

But I have come SO far with this idol of control. I have to keep reminding myself of this. I have given up more of me than I ever thought I would or could. These precious children are my reward and I can finally say we've gotten to a stage I really love. I've echoed that I do not like the little baby phase. I never, ever want to go back there. I can say that even if it was biologically possible (which I really doubt), I do not want more children. I will not want them in 3 years. I can look sweetly at a tiny baby and remember those days and love the innocence and quietness of a life before anything but love and comfort is known. But then I remember the crying and the utter helplessness of not knowing what is wrong. Obviously God gave us these babies for a reason. Maybe one is that He knew I couldn't handle 3 infant phases! I did everything to prevent post partum depression and it still reared its ugly head. I attribute its shorter duration to these preventative measures, but still had months of crying in the shower after I experienced another day of what I didn't think I could handle. Even with help from our families, even with Rose, even with an amazing husband who didn't know what to do with me as I slowly crawled through the spring and summer. 

So as I sit here in the dreariness of winter, I remember what I don't have to do now:

• feed babies for 45 minutes every 3 hours for 24 hours
• rock Townes for an hour to stop the colic
• get up at 4:45 am to start a weekend day that I need medication to get through
• bathe babies who hate every second of it
• not knowing how to respond to any type of cry

Or maybe I would have only had one child, then I would be:

• injecting myself with a zillion shots for another 5% chance of having another baby
• enduring negative pregnancy tests
• paying $15,000+ for more cycles as my ovarian reserve goes further down
• maybe exploring adoption and not knowing where to even start

But now I can proudly say, I won't ever have to mix another bottle of formula again in a week. (!!) I will NEVER go through those sleepless newborn nights.  My babies can entertain themselves now and laugh like crazy at each other. This is only the beginning of what triplets have in store for us.