The Mud and The Stars

Can you believe these babies are 5 months old today?! I can't personally believe it. When we brought them home at the end of March, I didn't think I could last a week, let alone 5 months. It has been the biggest challenge of my life and yet has taught me that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I read a really striking statement awhile ago: "Two women looked out from behind bars, one saw mud while the the others saw stars."  I've focused a lot of my energy over the last few years on positive thinking and trying to get rid of self defeating behaviors. Of course I could not do this without the grace of God and the strength He has given me.

Unfortunately, I look at the mud too often. When I look at the mud, my thinking is full of envy and self pity. I want to have more freedom. The walls of my house are a prison. All I ever hear are crying babies. If I had one baby, I could go to the mall by myself and not be looked at or approached every 2 seconds. I wouldn't have people asking me what bad things I did to deserve triplets. I envy friends and family who go on VACATIONS like its no big deal. They get to have fun while I am stuck at home with my Groundhog Days.  I never knew I would covet things like that. For heavens sake, in the last five years, I've gone to England, the Dominican Republic, Germany, and the beach several times. But I'm no longer a DINK!! Now I know why my old co-workers used to gig me about these trips.

I think I was sideswiped by the reality that the triplet pregnancy was nothing compared to RAISING the triplets. I had just come off of this exhausting 7 month ride and was ready for some rest. I was not prepared for a bout with postpartum depression and PP anxiety disorder. I have dealt with depression and anxiety, but this was a whole new level. The world was gray. I was near a point of not caring whether I lived or died. I flew to my grandfather's funeral about 2 weeks after the babies came home and distinctly remember thinking that the plane could crash and it would be ok. That is not normal. Thankfully, I know when to reach out and ask for help. I got that help and am getting better.

The stars are beautiful when I look at them.

We have three gorgeous children who crack me up on a daily basis. Caroline sings and laughs. Townes is slowly getting better with his temperament and smiles like he is the happiest boy in the world. Natalie is the showwoman. They are healthy and happy. Nate is an amazing dad and husband. I have sooo much help and support from friends and family. We have them on a great schedule with a 3 hour nap during the day. They knock out at 8:15pm, wake around 2:30 am for a feeding, then 7:00 am or so.

The truth is that I am "behind bars" compared to my former life, but I can choose to look at the mud or the stars. I'll try to choose the stars.