My Updated Linkedin Profile

If you have a Linkedin account, I'm sure you have heard about the information hacking scandal and instructions to change your password. After doing this today, I looked at my profile and decided I have many new skills to update. If it wouldn't scare off future employers, I'd update with the following:

Allison Jennings
Mom of Triplets (March 2011 to present)
Duties Include:

• changing 15+ diapers a day, more if fast food is purchased
• changing diapers backwards, forwards, and sideways as children scream and twist like I am holding them down to administer lethal injection. 
• keep other children away from dirty diaper and wipe box while wrestling with screaming toddler being changed. If child is able to access wipe box, retrieve wipes from mouth and 25 on floor
• feed 5 meals a day (requires adequate supply of several gallons of whole milk, Cheerios, puffs, and goldfish to prevent resultant breakdowns). Must have appetizers on hand as children cannot handle waiting for meal for more than 15 seconds
• clean up after meals before morbidly obese cat eats leftovers on floor, this is negotiable as cat lessens floor sweeping
• navigate Apple TV to locate free Baby Einstein and Thomas the Train episodes on Youtube, must be available upon nap wake-ups 
• hide remotes, phones, medicine, medicine droppers, the white things attached to door stoppers, etc as they have a gravitational pulls on my children.  Deal with ensuing tantrums when said contraband is taken away
• referee for play, preventing bites from Natalie "the vampiress" when challenged to share toys, clearing a completely object free path for Townes when using the walker, providing Caroline with uninterrupted time to play with any and all music playing greeting cards
• lots of hugs and kisses after children fall on their heads for the 34th time that day
• give baths while slippery children pull down the shower curtain and kiss themselves in the reflective bath fixtures. Make extra sure no (and I mean no) water and/or shampoo gets in face
• replace crib toys, animals, pacifiers, pants, or shirts after said objects are thrown out during the previous sleeping session. Ensure Townes has wubanub and stuffed moose, Natalie has blankie and paci, and Caroline has board books and blankie.  Retrieve white noise machine thrown on the floor in unknown manner. 
• drive Choo Choo wagon around neighborhood with no sidewalks and 5% slopes, make sure Natalie has Iphone for entertainment during the walk
• fend off intrusive questions and unwelcome attention with polite Southern smile.  Includes expectations of describing when and how my children were conceived, details of my pregnancy, breastfeeding, their NICU stay, current medical status, and any plans for future children. Awkward explanations to polite people (ie. how to explain diminished ovarian reserve and why having an antral follicle count of 2 is REALLY bad to gay, male 24 year old hair dresser talking loudly in echoing salon)

References provided
"Mom rocks. She introduced me to Ms. Lisa. Best teacher in the world. Where did she go to? And why does she keep taking me places where they stick things in my ears??"
-Townes Jennings

"Mommy gives me everything I want or I cry. I am the most special person in the world and I deserve everything. I love food."
- Natalie Jennings

"Mommy gives me this nasty gel for my teeth coming in. Besides that, she gave me lots of things to jump in when I was little. Plus she keeps my sister from biting my leg. Huge bonus!"
- Caroline Jennings