Hello World

I love this song. Not just because it was filmed right by the old office, but because its words are so true. I'm not one for pop/country cross over music because it is usually so cheesy, but this one is good. I have listened to this song a zillion times since the triplets were born.

This morning was not good. I'm not gonna sugar coat it. Our night nanny leaves at 6:30 am and the kids will usually sleep another hour or so. I really wanted that hour of sleep. I'm still fighting the need for sleep and its control over me. I snuggled into bed and fell asleep for 10 minutes. Then I, of course, was awakened by Townes screaming bloody murder. I apparently had left the volume on the monitor down too low to hear the building up of the eruption. He had been screaming for a long time and simply cannot calm himself down when he is like this. I tried to console him for several minutes with swaddling, shh shhing, the whole 9 yards (and a whimpering Natalie and Caroline) then just lost it. I put him in his crib, left the room, and screamed bloody murder for 5 minutes. I kicked our bed. I punched the door all the while screaming at God that I cannot do this anymore. You have to understand I don't scream or hit anything. I don't think I've ever reacted this way. I yelled at God to please, please make him stop crying. I cannot listen to it for another second. I screamed over and over again WHY did we transfer 3 embryos?! Why didn't we freeze one or two of them and wait a few years for the next pregnancy? What happened to us does NOT happen in IVF. Who gets 3 babies from 3 eggs?

You have to understand how upset I was. I do not regret my children. Nate and I are growing so much through this experience. As I always say, He gave us these babies for a reason. I LOVE them but this is challenging me more than anything I've ever dealt with. The first year is hell with triplets. I was told to expect it. The Lord spared us physical or mental disabilities. He spared us the horror of a stillborn baby. I think this adds a layer of guilt to every other emotion I am feeling.

For now, I continue to need prayers for endurance and patience. Townes is better, but we still really struggle with him. He is such a sweetheart when he is happy and it makes me feel terrible that I left him alone for 45 minutes to scream in his crib. But that's all I had this morning.