I'll be happy when...

Today I went to a goodbye lunch with coworkers. I relished the conversation about substantive due process and billboard regulations. I was entranced and engaged in an argument about which appraisal method was better for my coworker's case. These conversations would have had me snoring 4 months ago. But this was precious time away, when I didn't have to juggle 3 babies between boppies, mom, a bouncy seat, and a swing. I thought about how easy it would be to just decide to go back. I could put in 7.5 hours of work a day and check out of the chaos at home. My job was not stressful. I could take 10 day vacations without a blackberry. My boss was awesome. Then I realized it once again. I definitely have the "I'll be happy when syndrome"

So this is my past 5 years:

Ill be happy when I graduate law school, I'll be happy when I start the big firm job, I'll be happy when I get married, I'll be happy when I get a better job, I'll be happy when I move into a bigger house, I'll be happy when I go on that trip to England or Germany, I'll be happy when I have children and beat the insurmountable obstacle that my body handed me, I'll be happy when I stop having morning sickness, I'll be happy when I weigh 85 pounds less, I'll be happy when I don't have to litigate, I'll be happy when these babies finally get out of the NICU, and where I am now- I'll be happy when these kids get over this colicky stage.

I've read about this before. It's called the hedonic treadmill. The hedonic treadmill is the tendency for humans to return to a "base point" of happiness after positive or negative life changes. The theory is that 50% of our happiness level is genetic, 40% is through intentional activities such a gratitude journal, and 10% is from circumstances such as a high income or a fulfilling job. I don't know about psychology, but I do know that my first job was rough, marriage is hard work sometimes, London was annoyingly busy and expensive, babies are even harder work, and that my pseudo bed rest during pregnancy allowed me more sleep than I'll have for the rest of my life.

Happiness clearly does not come from any tangible object or goal. I've got to remember this as we struggle with Townes and his colic, and the feeling that four walls are closing in on me. I'll look back fondly on this time as when my babies would let me cuddle them all day.