Revisiting 2010

We got an annoying letter in the mail about 2 weeks ago from a certain tax agency wanting to confirm our 2010 deductions. This was, of course, the year of our IVF attempts and the first 5 months of my triplet pregnancy. In short, LOTS of medical expenses to be deducted. I saved everything in case this would happen. Every receipt stuffed in a manila folder.  I made sure to count mileage to St. Louis and our hotel stays there within the lawful parameters.

In order to expedite things and provide a concise summary versus 50 pages of receipts, I have contacted my medical providers for a 2010 listing of charges. SIRM, Freedom Fertility, Walgreens Specialty pharmacy, Walgreens here, Costco Pharmacy, my acupuncturist, Vanderbilt, etc etc etc.

YUCK!

This process has strangely dredged up so many feelings in me. Every receipt I look at for a doctor's visit, I can almost feel the cold, clammy anxiety squeeze my lungs. My stomach drops with dread of hearing more and more bad news. The intake of breath before seeing that awful ovary ultrasound and the beeps and noises of the machine as they searched in vain for 20 follicles that weren't there. The gas receipt from a round trip drive after a canceled IVF. Then more and more of the same as we tried again.

I have the receipt from our 6 week ultrasound. The shock of seeing 3 heartbeats was another enormous milestone forcing me to gasp for breath as I searched Dr. Google and came up again and again with complications of prematurity, stillbirths, cerebral palsy, selective reduction and on. Then more ultrasound receipts as we continued to get good news after good news about their health. No problems, no concerns.

Right now my back hurts and I am exhausted from a week of sickness and a weekend of teething and general 2 yr old craziness. Maybe I needed this exercise in paperwork to remind myself of the anxiety and miraculous year of 2010.  3 follicles, 3 eggs, 3 embryos, and 3 perfect babies. It is my "norm," but I am also well aware that it is not normal according to the statistics and studies about women with diminished ovarian reserve and the possible complications of a high risk pregnancy.

The Message versions of Proverbs 3:5-6 states:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.

I thought science knew it all. I learned quickly that some things surpass a doctor's opinion or experience. God had a special gift for us waiting all along.